January 4, 2023

Breaking out of another foggy depression, I have to find the reasons why I am still here. And force myself to get out of bed, force myself to go to the job that I do not like. Force myself to write. Without the work, there is no progress.

There is so much to tell you, I dont even know where to begin, but beginning is not the problem. Finishing.

What I hope to accomplish by writing this blog is awareness of mental health, understanding, and hope.

I will warn you there are graphic stories to be disclosed. But first, for a laugh.

Last year a good friend of my named Jim allowed me into his house. Not knowing the extent of my situation or who I was, he trusted me to move in with me. He had Alexa's hooked up throughout the house, and I was in one of my typical firsky moods, so I started pegging questions at alexa, like Alexa what do you think about capitalism? Alexa do you believe in God? And finally I proceeded to tell Alexa there was an Amber alert. Alexa signaled the police and Jim had to tell them it was a false alarm.

He unplugged the Alexas.

Might seem funny now. But it was a reach out for help. I needed help. I was going to kill myself. The days started nearing to an end and I was scared. My birth date which is November 18th was days away. I had just gotten out of Austin Oaks mental hospital for 3 days. I was in there from Nov 3-6. And I was determined to die.

Imagine being scared of yourself and what you are capable of doing? My mind was telling me to kill myself. That I didnt deserve this life. Everyday I would wake up wanting to die.

I would pray.

I would walk.

I would sleep.

I went to therapy.

I gardened.

I prayed more.

Nothing took away the deepest pain throughout my body.

I wanted to die.