Suicide. Hate. and Hope

If you are struggling with mental health & its urgent, text START to 741-741 or call 988.

(EmberAlert988.com was named to help educate about mental health and provide hope)

This was written in February of 2023 and never published. I wanted to share the before and after of my thoughts and what I was feeling and thinking at those times.

Except from February 2023:

"I hate the word Suicide, Also, I do not like using and strongly dislike using the word hate. My Dad always told me that the opposite of hate is love and I should be very careful when to use the word hate in my vocabulary. It was also directed to never hate someone. I was also encouraged if I did not like someone, I should say that I strongly dislike them. Words are powerful and they hurt.

Today, Feb 9, 2023 I am blessed to tell my story. I am a suicide attempter, but not finisher. I guess I sucked at trying to kill myself. At least I got that going for me. If i am going to suck at anything, this would be the ideal thing, because upon completion, would maybe have the graces to be in a morgue 6ft under praying for hail mary's, but most importantly I would just miss my Dog Ditka's face and wish he was with me. So that leaves me here with you.

Details to come soon.

Suicide. Is never anything I thought would be something that I would want.

Deep Breaths, it pains me to think of how much I wanted to end my life. I remember waking up day to day, and praying I would find a way to settle myself. I wasn't prepared to detonate myself, yet I couldn't stand being alive. I did not understand why I was alive. I would literally wake up everyday probably at least 6 months of 2022 and argue with God, why he wanted me here. I did not get it. I was wasted space. I didn't not want my life. I don't care how many people tell you how much potential you have or possibly that you are pretty, or have these talents.

I did not care. I did not want them. I did not deserve them. I didn't believe when loved ones told me they cared about me and wanted to see me succeed. All I knew, was I wanted to die. I just did not understand why."

Today's date is March 23, 2024 almost a year from writing this entry.

It pains me to see how dark my thoughts were at times, but today I am blessed and know that taking my medication and not using alcohol or drugs that are not prescribed to me has made a tremendous effect on my life. I was in denial when I was first diagnosed with Bi-polar Mania. Mania, is a hallmark symptom of bipolar I disorder and involve excessively heightened mood, increased energy, and decreased need for sleep. It also never occurs to the person with the heightened mood that something is off. It actually feels great. I think that is another reason why I personally did not like taking my medication. There are so many different reasons for why I did not take care of myself, but the primary were because of stigma, sense of worthlessness, alcoholism, and a false sense of reality.

Bipolar disorder is a mental health condition that causes extreme mood swings between emotional highs (mania or hypomania) and lows (depression).

Now, after accepting my Bipolar disorder, getting proper treatment, and using my mania as a tool for creativity and to help others is in some what a blessing. I never thought I would say that, lol.

Being bipolar is a blessing. Wow. I truly never thought those words would come out of my mouth. But, honestly, others with bipolar disorder tend to be more creative, and abstract thinkers. I can definitely say that my life is different. I remember as a young girl, my friends in elementary school would always tell me, "you are so weird". It truly hurt my feelings. Now, as an adult, they use verbs to describe me as, "zany, eccentric, ADHD, erratic, hyper or tell me that I have a lot of energy". All of those are true, and yes, I am diagnosed with ADHD as well. I have been diagnosed since I was 17 with ADHD. But, honestly I believe that ADHD and my mania mimic each other. It is hard for me to distinguish one from the other, especially during my manic episodes. I also believe that ADHD will induce mania if I do not learn to slow down, and practice the tools I have gained through therapy. I am no doctor, although. I love the song, "I am a popstar, not a doctor" by Justin Bieber. Haha I know random. I am very random.

So, today, if you or someone is thinking dark thoughts, or struggling,

there is hope!

I am living proof!

Connect with me and if I cant help, I can definitely point you in the right direction.

Love & Light,

Ember

the fire you can't put out