Relationships
Wow,
what
a
year.
2024
has brought a lot of
positive things back in my life.
In AA, or Alcoholic Anonymous, sometimes people refer to having "back problems". By that they mean they are starting to get things "back" in their lives. And, yes, I am starting to rebuild, get things back, and my life seems to be going in the upward direction in my lives bell-curve. But with the new blessings, I am starting to come to revelations of who is truly supportive of my journey, and who is not.
If I want to continue to maintain my sobriety, I must maintain emotional maturity and health. That means cutting out the negative toxic people in my life.
And believe me, I am a fiend for dysfunction and toxic people. I used to be one of them, so I attracted them like a fly on a pig.
It reminds me of the song,
"Fake Love"
by Drake.
Yesterday, April 3, 2024 I came to a decision to cut my brother and his wife off. I feel that they are only communicating with me to feel better about themselves. They can say they called, or they care. But it doesnt have the feeling of authenticity behind it. Everytime I get off the phone with them I feel empty.
There is no meaning behind them calling. I feel like I am pulling teeth to get them to send a picture of Dove, my niece. And finally I came to the resolution that getting strung along and having them to pretend that they care but not really show up is more hurtful than just having no contact.
That is where I am today. I am cutting cords with the people who dont value, support, or love me for who I am. I am a pretty zany, hyper, talkative woman. I annoy alot of people. I also have a dark past. And either you can accept me for who I am, a creation of God, who is flawed and
The last 3 years I have been hospitalized several time for suicidal ideation, I was trying to kill myself. I had multiple attempts. I will disclose the details in a another post, but for now, its important I stay on topic. I have a hard time staying on topic. Anyone that knows me, knows this. I am definitely diagnosed as ADHD and/ or ADD. So back to the topic, yes, these last few years have been extremely painful and horrific. And I gained no support from my brother or his wife. He was married previously to his first wife and they visited me in rehab (2016). They cared. They showed up. They were involved in my life. Not with the second one. I don't even know how to explain what she has done to our family. She literally has exiled her entire family except her father and his side. Her own birth Mom has been blocked and along with her Grandmother. She claims to be this huge Christian, who helps others and is huge on family, but she has done nothing but isolate my brother and their daughter.
It is unfathomable and disgusting to me. I tried very hard to build a relationship with her. She is a recovering addict herself. Supposedly my brother Jake and her met at Celebrate Recovery. He was still married when they got together. And within a few short months of getting a divorce from his first wife, he was married to M Three times. They got married three times. Once in Italy, another at Zilker Botanical Garden, and then the last wedding in Leander so the rest of the family could attend. Since the marriage, she has coerced him to move to Portland, Oregon. Since 2019, my brother has slowly become more cut off from communicating with any of his family and then she cut her birth Mom off and her family. It is insane. I dont understand whether they are in a cult, or if she is literally the most controlling, narcissistic woman I have ever encountered. She showed up at my Father's wedding late, brought her own "vegan" meal from Chilantro, and then sat by herself away from our family with headphones on. I have never seen anyone behave this way or at least sober.
Dont get me wrong. I have done a lot of fucked up shit. And believe me, I am still trying to mend those relationships.
But made a decision that I don't care to have people in my life I don't care.
That has got to be the biggest illusion, people that say they care but don't show they do.
Love is a verb.
Love is an action.
An Action.
There is romantic love, family love, friendly love, and for Christians, there should be loving your enemy.
Relationships are difficult. And cutting off the people you love is harder. But, I value my worth today, and allowing other people to emulate love that is not unconditional or kind is not the relationships I want or need in my life.
I want to make room for those that care about me. That show up when I need them. They call me on the holidays and are authentic.
Circle of concern vs. circle of influence.
in all areas of your life, not just your romantic relationships, take a look at where you currently focus most of your attention to see whether you are waiting for your partner, or the world around you, to change before you can be happy.
Your circle of concern holds all the things you worry about over which you have little or no control — the weaknesses of others, the environment, the economy, and the neighbor’s uncut grass. When you focus on things over which you have no control, you most likely spend a great deal of time feeling frustrated and maybe even hopeless.
On the other hand, when you keep most of your attention on the things that you can do something about, you are focused on your circle of influence, i.e., you attend to the things that you can influence positively and beneficially, despite what’s going on in your circle of concern.
When we focus on things we can influence, we empower ourselves to take responsible action to improve things rather than complain about them.
And when we attend to things over which we do have influence, we continue to enlarge our circle of influence because responsible behavior is energizing and expansive for everyone with whom we interact.
To sum things up.
Choose to see love as a verb, enabling yourself to behave with loving actions, no matter what. And that doesn’t mean being a doormat. It means taking one hundred percent responsibility for your own behavior.
Make room for the people that will show up and care.
Remember, where you put your attention matters.
On one hand, you can keep exhausting yourself on a treadmill going nowhere if your attention is on all the things inside your circle of concern, the things outside your control.
Or, instead, keep your attention on those people and situations within your circle of influence. Take responsibility for doing the next right thing, and let others manage themselves.
